Tuesday I had my first “3 month checkup” with no active treatment. I finished chemo 7 months ago, radiation 2 months ago, but everytime I saw my doctor I was getting some form of treatment, something killing the potential cancer cells. Not anymore. No more treatment. Now just check ups-waiting and watching.
To say “nervous” is a mild understatment. I am notorious for getting myself worked up. The last week I felt the anxiety kick in. Monday night was awful. My head spinning, thoughts running through my mind. I kept invisioning (or trying to) good results and blood work, then my mind kept drifting off to the thoughts of being told my bloodwork was suspicious and needing a scan or something and I literally thought I would have a panic attack in bed at midnight that night. I kept having to push the thoughts out of my head and all I could do was pray.
Tuesday was another story. I was so nervous I made myself sick to my stomach. I actually had a very slight fever in the doctor office, probably due to working myself up. My doctor comes in and feels all my lymph nodes, stomach, chest etc., just chit-chatting away like its not a big deal, not realizing how freaking nervous I am. I actually had to ask him if my bloodwork was fine. He was like “oh I havent checked it yet.” Insert freak out #2. My heart started racing. But then he said ya everything looks good, normal! I of course am crying…I told him I feel good, I am taking a lot of preventatives and better care of myself, but each of these appointments you will always worry. Now I have hopefully at least 3 months before I see him and before I get this anxiety again.
I hope it goes without saying (those of you who have never had a cancer diagnosis), that every day has anxiety, fear and worry. Its like being locked in a prison inside your mind that no matter how hard you try you cant get out. I can become distracted, and I definitely feel more normal than not, but everyday is filled with concern about a headache here, or a bruise there, or a sore muscle after working out…you always overanalyze every ache and pain as a potential threat.
My doctor did say (up anxiety again) and reminded me that TNBC, the type I had, has a highest reoccurence rate by 3, then declines and rapidly drops off at 5 years..so I am 7 months out from chemo…the next 2.5 years will continue to be fearful…I pray every night I continue to stay cancer free. I now take: Turmeric capsules, Gravila capsules, Vitamins, drink lemon water to balance pH, drink Dandelion, green, nettle and pau de arco tea regularly, no sodas, no donuts, as organic as possible, i juice reguarly, eat an apple a day (you know, to keep the doctor away)…i began working out reguarly again. Anything I can to get healthy and STAY this way.
I want to see my wedding day. I want to have children (which is another thing still in limbo-mother nature hasnt kicked my ovaries back into gear yet). I want to grow old.I want my long hair back…( I have about 2 inchs of wavy dark curls now!)
The day ended on a good note. Since my appointment went well, I was able to calm down to keep my 5:00 appointment to go try on wedding dresses! (it is exhausting and they are heavy and hot) haha. No I didnt find the dress, but got some great ideas of what I like. I wont commit to one unti my final exchange surgery, which SHOULD be next month! Just waiting for insurance approval to scheudle it!
Before I end this post, and to anyone reading, if you believe in Prayer, please stop and say one (at least), not only for me, my health and piece of mind, but for my friends in the cancer community I have become a part of: One young woman just lost her battle to over 3 years of fighting, a few recently finding out they are now battling stage 4 cancer, another friend going for another surgery to remove a growing lump after beating cancer last year, a woman and her sister both finding out their cancer is back within a day of each other..So many amazing people with so many unfair circumstances, and sometimes all we can do is ask for some extra prayers and positive vibes.